ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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A GUIDE TO LOVE AND SEX FOR
TODAY'S YOUNG WOMEN
As a young, modern women of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Rut explains everythiong you've ever wondered about.
Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably has a different ideal of what her own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar ... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's bets to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.
Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.
Q: Do men like aggresive women?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be affraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.
Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.
Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarressed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleanig his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on yur knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust men or something ? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS: Maggi Mee.
> NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE: Traffic Jam.
> NATIONAL CONDOM: None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rushed into a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye.
> NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION: Pineapple
> NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
> NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN): Food Poisoning.
> NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN): Menstrual Pain
> NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, aircond not cold enough, aircond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy,stomach
cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depress, no mood, etc.etc etc....
> NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: None. Malaysian men never refuse sex. (oh ya??)
> NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES: Panadol. The "cure for all". If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
> NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS: Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.
> NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): Happy Hours.
> NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): The sight of a police road block. (;-o)
> NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
> NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4! On second thoughts, why bother pronouncing stupid French brands like Peugeot, Renault or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better, when the local mechanics say "Pew Jeot".
When I was in school, Milo was always Mee Lo, now that I'm sophisticated, I say "My Lo".
So don't be embarassed saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as rangutan"
NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The Bra-less Tourist. See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a bra-less Mat Salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets.
3 couples are having dinner together. The first husband says to his
>> wife,"Pass me the sugar, sugar."
>>
>> Not to be outdone, the second husband says, "Could you pass me the
>> honey,honey?"
>>
>> Most impressed by these clever endearments, the third husband leans
>> over to his wife and says, "Pass me the pork, pig."
>>
>> =====================================================================
>>
>> 3 prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed.
>> They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
>>
>> The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then
>> taken away.
>>
>> The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also
>> taken away.
>>
>> The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
>> The captors are surprized and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"
>>
>> Yes,Strawberries."
>>
>> But they are out of season!
>>
>> " I'll wait..."
>>
>> =====================================================================
>>
>> Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a
>> four-letter word that upset me very much.
>>
>> Nurse: What word was that?
>>
>> Patient: "Oops!"
Phua Chu Kang explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius.
Aloy: y is making love so enjoyable
PCK: Aiyah boy. enjolable becaws same like when you dig your nose with your finger
mah!
Aloy: Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?
PCK: Of course woman lah! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better
than your finger, right?
Aloy: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
PCK: haya.... say you walk along the road, den someone come over and dig your
nose, you like ah? Ehhhh, don't pray pray ah
Aloy: Why is it woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK: Oy!!! if your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah?
Use your blain, use your blain....
Aloy: Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love?
PCK: Ehhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your
finger? Not the same shiok feeling mah...
Aloy: Why is making love carried out in private?
PCK: Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blain..... you go and dig your nose
in flont of your whole class izzit?? Stupid!!
Aloy: ......Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good
PCK: Aiyah......best in Spore and JB mah!!!
Kids sure say the darndest things... let's hear 'em out...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
K-I-D-S on 'marriage'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What Exactly Is Marriage??
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." --Eric, Age 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'" Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." --Anita, Age 9
How Does A Person Decide Whom To Marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." --Kally, Age 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn, Age 8
Concerning The Proper Age To Get Married.
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." --Carolyn, Age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." --Bert, Age 5
How Did Your Mom And Dad Meet??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." --Lottie, Age 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." --Jeremy, Age 8
What Do Most People Do On A Date??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." --Martin, Age 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." --Craig, Age 9
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." --Allan, Age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." --Kally, Age 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married??
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." --Kirsten, Age 10
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." --Anita, Age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." --Will, Age 7
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